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How to remove self doubt and get going – option B?

 

 

 

‘You must go on.

I can’t go on,

I’ll go on.

Samuel Beckett

 

To contextualize this blog…. I’m now back from the most amazing adventure in L.A, with so much to let integrate and then implement, having met some wonderful people. ‘Part 2’ blog will follow, and it kind of felt authentic to post the pre blog chaos to help you learn and grow.  I don’t feel so connected to what I wrote (which is great) but I was in the moment, and therefore, I hope it helps you as you read it to believe, embrace your fears and leap…. enjoy 🙂

 

I’m sitting at Bristol Airport, wondering what the hell I’m doing.

Filled with fear, just totally scared but knowing deep within myself, taking this step is key.  Key to trusting myself again, key to starting to live fully, to growing my business and key to nurturing my relationship. Yet that doesn’t change the fact, I was racked with indecision, self-doubt (can I do it, why am I doing it), guilt (what if something happens, what if my brain gets worse, what if….) and paralyzed by fear.

 

And then I pick up Option B, by Sheryl Sandberg & Adam Grant. and this line captures me,

 

‘Resilience is our speed and strength to respond to adversity, and we can grow this.’ 

As I write this the irony of the purpose of the book is not lost on me.  Am I ‘worthy’ to write a blog about it, someone didn’t die suddenly (and is it okay to write that?).

 

But what is stronger, is to be authentic and real, and hope that by writing this, it will help someone. I kind of feel like I died in 2013 when weils and encephalitis happened, I sort of did.  I then kind of felt like my trust was broken by my partner’s choices,  but knew deep down I know I didn’t value me fully, and there were lessons to grow and learn from, far greater than the mistakes of others.

 

The combination caused great chaos and confusion within me.  As Sheryl writes, Martin Seligman says there are three P’s that can stunt recovery.

 

Personalization – the belief that we are totally at fault.

Pervasiveness – the belief the event will impact all areas of our life always.

Permanence – the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever.

 

Personalization – To keep saying ‘I’m sorry’.  This is what I have been doing personally all the time for family and friends. That was my stunt…

 

‘Sorry’ for basically everything, and that nothing makes sense to me either.  And then sorry that I haven’t healed myself yet, that I don’t represent what I want, that I wasn’t good enough.  And then knowing within me, and to start thinking, ‘I can do this’. And this is what I passionately believe with all the clients I work with, with everyone I see and hear….. YOU CAN DO THIS.

 

You are not your situation, you are beautiful, intelligent, passionate, funny, kind (insert whatever you want), and you can change where you are, even if you think you can’t.  But I was finding it hard to shift me.

 

love what I do, I want to make a global difference around the World and help people realise their potential, like the person they are, take the risk and live in this moment.  Yet, with all my tools,  I couldn’t get me to do ‘my thing’.

 

 

Part of the misery C S Lewis wrote, is the misery of the misery and being unable to get out of the loop.

Ahhh I so get this, do you?!

 

I’m not miserable at all, in fact quite the opposite. I am so grateful and happy for each moment, yet leading up to this trip the fear of what if did change things.

 

But the cycle of guilt within me about what I can or cannot do, what’s safe/right with my healing to make sure everyone is happy, what is right to look after the people close to me, who I believe sacrifice to be with me, but then it’s their choice…?

 

And then you get it I got it.

 

Avoiding feelings isn’t the same as protecting your feelings.  Nurturing you, nurturing the feelings you are protecting is key.  Avoiding them will eat away at you.

‘Let me not die whilst I am alive….’ Sheryl Sandberg

 

Loneliness and isolation often happens when people don’t know what to say.  Whatever the circumstance from breaking your leg, to losing someone close to you, becoming ill or just deciding you want to change something.

 

During this, there is a pain versus self-care button, a self compassion v self doubt, self limiting v self – freeing.  I wonder, when something changes for you, if you practise self care and compassion, or you get stuck with self limitations and doubt?

If you get stuck, then any friendship becomes truly hard, because you will find it super tough to actually receive… And in any friendship or relationship, receiving and asking for help, accepting compliments and truths, is as key I believe as giving. It’s a two way path, its’ a dance, like a Cha Cha, forward and back, in rhythm, sometimes faltering, never stopping.

 

So if doubt and limits fill your mind, ask yourself…..

What would you do if you were not afraid?

 

There will be a tiny moment, a fleeting moment in the doubt that will give you the answer, take that now and act on it.  That is 100% how I got on the flight to Los Angeles to the Mastermind with my amazing Coach Jill Coleman.

 

I love how the Sheryl and Adam write about Post traumatic growth…. Each day has to count.

 

I think this is so true.  When you doubt yourself, whatever it is, from going to that job interview, entering the event, falling in love, getting strong, cooking food… I don’t know, but that doubt…. You have to just get present, just BE. And this is what Post Traumatic Growth is.

 

It’s about finding meaning in something, making it count.

 

Often we experience the disappearance of one’s self with disappointment and post-traumatic stress. I know I have struggled with working out my identity, values and beliefs.  And then not second guessing or caring what others think or assume, as I can’t get my head around things at times, so why should I expect them too? If you can let the toughest, most challenging emotions just happen, you can then actually allow and start to lead a life, day by day with new meanings and possibilities.

 

So whatever your circumstance, start now, if you can.  Commit to make it through each day, don’t give up. Take things back, it’s okay to push through the guilt and fear and find joy.

 

Happiness is a frequency of positive experiences, not just the big intense things. It’s how we spend our days and our thoughts.  Happiness requires thought, requires work and a commitment.  Often we spend so much of our energy and thoughts worrying about what if, or past doubts, that we are never present, and never share the happiness in the moment.  This is kind of why the Hound of Happiness Book came together.  I wanted to write a simple little book with 52 Tips to help you Feel Good.  It came together when I was knocked out by a cyclist, broke my elbow and had severe concussion in hospital.  I wanted to find my happiness and reason for this happening, and let go of any ‘bad luck’ around it, for as annoying as it is, things happen and it’s our choice to decide, after the initial limiting and normal negative emotions to shift. To grow.

 

To build happiness I believe you need to build resilience. This requires four core beliefs being nurtured, especially as a child.

 

The belief you have some control over your life. You have a choice.

The belief you can always learn from failure.

And you can still grow, even if the path is different.

The belief you matter as a human being. How does this make you feel as you read it, do you believe this?

The belief you have real strengths you can rely on and share.

Honestly you do, whoever you are reading this, I know you do.

 

So if being present grows your happiness, and resilience is learning to understand and grow your childhood beliefs, a growth mindset is the corner stone of allowing this all to happen.  I have found through all my healing, neural plasticity is possible in adults, and even more possible in children.  That self-compassion is key to wellness, and feeling valued by others is key to self-compassion.

 

Once you have self- compassion it is possible to accept feedback and be open to criticism.  This allows you to set ambitious goals, whatever your situation.  Reading this in the book was almost like a sign giving me permission, despite my circumstances to still go and be damn ambitious, to follow that dream and desire to make a global difference to people’s self-confidence and belief.   I often felt that maybe I couldn’t or shouldn’t any more.  Yet I realise, you have to live your life.  And setting ambitious goals gives you a reason to get up and go do.

 

As you read this, what’s your ambitious goal right now?

 

And don’t you dare compare it to mine or anyone else and devalue it, okay! I may have worked out how to run quietly on my own for hours in a meditative state that helps my neurology, yet I have not worked out how to sit in a busy pub, have lunch with my friends, have a conversation and be ‘ok’! So my ambitious goal could seem trivial to many, and vice versa.  So never compare, model excellence yes, but don’t compare and limit.  Just find the goal or wish that your truly, truly want… and then go and find people who will challenge you to uplevel yourself to make things happen.

 

If you have stayed with this musing and writing, truly thank you.  I hope it’s helped you to wake up to some potential spark of hope, or fear and to take action, now.

You cannot outrun any fear or addiction.

It takes more effort to hide it, and hide from it.

 

I so realised this as I boarded the flight to Los Angeles and all the fears, doubts and anxiety was there.  And all the what if’s were there, and even my neurology was challenging.  Yet the greatest thing from the whole adventure of 4 days, was this.  Everything shifted inside me, I started to trust myself a tiny  bit again, I started to find my spark.  I’m always happy and content, yet the spark, the self trust, that’s different and wonderful.

And on the flip, nothing changed, as all the doubts and neurology healing I have in the UK I had in L.A… so the conclusion for me was this.

 

You have to realise that self love and self compassion is the key to growth. That taking action for what you truly want is fine, and possible, right now… when you are ready. NOW.

 

Don’t waste another moment, just move now…. trust me, I believe in YOU & know you can begin….

With big support and L.A happy vibes, Kim

 

Post L.A rambles and support to come but for now jump on these links and share your thoughts with me, I would love to know what you think:

 

I would love you to join our Sunday Newsletter for more tips and advice.

If you would like to join our Make 2017 Brilliant Mentoring Year from June – December –  click here.

And for 1:1 coaching & support please pop me an email and we can chat more.

I would love you to watch my TEDx Talk & order a copy of the Hound of Happiness

 

Check These Links out too:

And buy the Book: Option B – Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, Finding Joy

Sheryl Sandberg (Lean In) & Adam Grant (Originals)

 

Empathy Cards by Emily McDowell – when you don’t know what to say but want to send something, these are great https://emilymcdowell.com/collections/empathy-cards

 

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